The Cranberries Songs and the Part Called Moving On

The song of my fave band since college, the Cranberries, is on Youtube just singing the words that I am trying to forget.

"But I miss you when you're gone.  That is what I do. And it's hard to carry on, that is what I do. Baby." 

All the memories just came rushing back to me and I couldn't stop them all.  Emotions are overflowing like waters from the murky river of my heart.  I hate this shit!

It's 2:31 am on a Sunday morning.  I was supposed to be sleeping by now.  I managed to block your memories and face for more than a week now and I successfully controlled the urge to check on your old messages like I always do.  Imagine, every time I miss you, I checked your messages from more than 6 months ago.  Reliving the moments when we still were so concerned with each other.  But heck!!!  I don't do that anymore.

I really thought I can get through this easily without a glitch from my programmed brain.  I program it to completely ignore memories of you.  But what the hell! One mere song tore down the protective shell I built for so long since the time I felt you broke loose from my grasp.  Just one song!

Oh no, is it me faltering?  Here's the second song still by the Cranberries, Just my Imagination.  I might just have a very wild imagination.  How about I just imagine dragons burning this unrequited love in my heart?  Oh please save me!!!

Now you're playing Ridiculous Thoughts.  The words may be simple but it's thought wrenching.

" Twister, oh, I shouldn't have trusted you.

But you're gonna have to hold on. 

But you're gonna have to hold on.

Or we're gonna have to move on, move on, move on.

I feel alright and I cried so hard. 

The ridiculous thoughts oh

I should have lied but you're gonna have to hold on!"

What is wrong with you Youtube!!!  Why do you speak my pain.  It's heart wrenching!  It's 2:51 am What!!!  Now that song?  Are you just inside my brain! This 21 song.

"I don't think it's going to happen anymore

You took my thoughts from me

Now I want nothing more.

And did you think you could just take it all away?

I don't think it's happ'ning, this is what I say.

Leave me alone, leave me alone.

Leave me alone 'cause I found it all.

Twenty one...twenty one..twenty one..."

Check the lyrics and song list  at www.letsingit.com of No need to argue Album by the Cranberries

Okay, I need to stop this now.  Is this some kind of coincidence?  Why is the playlist like this?  Is a higher being telling me I'm Free to Decide?

"It's not worth anything,

More than this at all.

I'll live as I choose, 

Or I will not live at all.

So return to where you come from,

Return to where you dwell.

...I'm free to decide,  I'm free to decide,

And I'm not suicidal after all".

This is getting creepier by the minute. It's 3 am anyway.  I need to put down this writing or I might just burst into tears. I missed singing  these songs so I put them on youtube on play all option.  Instead I just have a walk down the memory lane.  No, I am not ready yet.  I still don't want to stroll down those memories at this time.  Maybe next time, but not yet now. 

And before I ended the Youtube app, I finished my most favorite song by the Cranberries. Because this song was deeply etched to my image every time I belted it out every videoke night with my friends.

"In your head, in your head

Zombie!  Zombie

What's in your head? In your head.

Zombie. Zombie".

it's almost 4 am on a Sunday. Where does moving on comes in?  It's where excitement and dread decided to have a rendezvous in my mind.   After that memory blast,  I now feel like a zombie.  Good night everyone!

My Last Love Letter to You (Prologue to Moving on)

Dear you,

Yes you.  I'd like to tell you now how I miss you.  How I miss our late night talks, our childish plays, our time shared together talking about everything and nothing in particular.  You can only imagine how I always play in my mind the love  you made me feel, the beautiful things that you made for me, the words that sounded so genuine and sweet in my ear. That in spite of the hard circumstances we both have, I always had the reason to love you more.

I wanted something just like this:  you and me walking in the rain because we failed to bring our umbrella and you would wrap your arms around my head protecting me from the rain.  Or  hearing you laugh coz you thought it was funny why I was so afraid of the sound of the rain falling on the roof of the house.  Or when you call at the end of the day and just fell asleep while talking to me.  And then I would only hear  the sound of your slow breathing and I would smile to myself coz you already fell asleep.  That was the tenderness that I longed for sometimes.  It felt so special that we shared this kind of bond. When time just stood still and  everything around us just disappeared.  It was just you and me that only mattered. We were in a trance-like state most of the time.

Then everything changed.  Gone are the late night talks, the regular text just to check on each other. You used to be so concerned about me, now we act like strangers. Every time I looked for you, you just left me with no explanation at all. Every time I brought up the issue, you were just defensive with your answers. You let days passed by without asking about us. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. We grew apart just like that. We no longer talk to each other like we used to. It pains to see how our love just went away.  What were you hiding? If you fell out of love at least give me the decency to know that you had a change of heart.

Still I waited for you patiently. It really broke my heart but I never gave up on you. On us. We promised to be true to each other yet you couldn't even look me in the eye and tell me what was wrong. What was worse, you couldn't bear to be with me so you did everything to avoid us being together. You wouldn’t even let me know if I did something you didn’t like.  I was waiting for you to tell me how your day was, or how was life treating you. But you just stopped telling me things about you. So you built a wall between us that I didn't know how to break or get through just so I'd know what was on your mind. You just stopped caring.  I didn't know if I should wait a little more or leave you because what if you were having problems on your own? What if you looked for me and won't find me there? It would break my heart knowing your heart was also broken.

There are so many questions in my mind that I'd like to ask but I don't have the guts to do so because I might not be able to handle the truth. In my heart I knew the answer but I still couldn't accept the fact that it wasn't like before. That you already changed and it wasn't like it used to. That I was the only one fighting to make it still work. And if I gather enough courage to ask you I might not let you go. I might make a fool of myself and I never  want it to end like that. Call it pride or what but to me, it's self preservation.

It's hard turning my back from you but it is even harder waiting for you to be what you used to. I am on the verge of the cliff and I couldn't jump or save myself  because the one pushing me to the edge is you.  I already knew deep in my heart what I always knew: You had a change of heart but you didn't have the courage to tell me. And I was left hanging in the middle of frustration and hope. I was waiting for you to reach out for me.  But you weren’t there anymore. I waited enough for you. Enough to lose myself in the process. Enough to hide from the people who mattered to me just to fight for someone I knew I already lost.  I am lost. But I will find myself again.

Oh yes I do miss you. But I will not run after you. For all I know you might be missing me too. You might really love me too. But what are you doing to make me stay? I don't want to be misled by a false hope that you need me too. I get so teary eyed just thinking of you but I will not hold on to this feeling anymore. I will let you go like I let myself go when I fell in love with you. I will let you go knowing I might get my old self back. I know I lost you but you also lost me. I used to be so afraid that I might not be able to carry on without you. But even with you I've been alone all along. I was in the relationship by myself. And it took me so long to finally realize it.

So however this hurts me, I want to stop now. Yes, I can finally say it's over.  As I write this last love letter for you I will end the last chapter of our story. Yes I am ready. I will no longer rerun the memories of us in my mind. I will no longer entertain the feeling of sadness I felt because we grew apart. I will no longer long for the tenderness you had for me. I will just stop and thank you.  Thank you because one way or another you really made me feel loved and happy. No one can take that away from me. And I will forgive myself for being this broken. I will try to forget how this left a hole in my heart. I will try so hard and I will not falter.  So when the time comes someone walks into my life, I will be completely healed and whole and ready to love again.

P.S.

I want my old sweater back!!!