When Words aren't Enough

Once in a while, I write songs depending on the level of my brokenness. Haha!  And for documentation purposes I record them on my cellphone.  However, I published this song on Youtube because cellphones tend to get lost, broken, or wet.  Mine's got wet twice so the songs that could have been the next hit were lost forever.

The song Paulit ulit is of course, about my stupidity in love.  Falling in love with men who aren't available anymore is really wrong in so many levels.  I don't want to make excuses with my wrongdoings so I just wrote songs to slap me so hard in the face with the reality that doing so will only make me the one in the losing end.  However, this song needs a lot of tune up, editing and cropping.  This is so damn long.  When I find the time and inspiration (broken moment),  I will rewrite the lyrics.

So, listen to my song about falling in love without using the mind and how it will just make you lost and broken. When words aren't enough anymore, I let music take over.

The Cranberries Songs and the Part Called Moving On

The song of my fave band since college, the Cranberries, is on Youtube just singing the words that I am trying to forget.

"But I miss you when you're gone.  That is what I do. And it's hard to carry on, that is what I do. Baby." 

All the memories just came rushing back to me and I couldn't stop them all.  Emotions are overflowing like waters from the murky river of my heart.  I hate this shit!

It's 2:31 am on a Sunday morning.  I was supposed to be sleeping by now.  I managed to block your memories and face for more than a week now and I successfully controlled the urge to check on your old messages like I always do.  Imagine, every time I miss you, I checked your messages from more than 6 months ago.  Reliving the moments when we still were so concerned with each other.  But heck!!!  I don't do that anymore.

I really thought I can get through this easily without a glitch from my programmed brain.  I program it to completely ignore memories of you.  But what the hell! One mere song tore down the protective shell I built for so long since the time I felt you broke loose from my grasp.  Just one song!

Oh no, is it me faltering?  Here's the second song still by the Cranberries, Just my Imagination.  I might just have a very wild imagination.  How about I just imagine dragons burning this unrequited love in my heart?  Oh please save me!!!

Now you're playing Ridiculous Thoughts.  The words may be simple but it's thought wrenching.

" Twister, oh, I shouldn't have trusted you.

But you're gonna have to hold on. 

But you're gonna have to hold on.

Or we're gonna have to move on, move on, move on.

I feel alright and I cried so hard. 

The ridiculous thoughts oh

I should have lied but you're gonna have to hold on!"

What is wrong with you Youtube!!!  Why do you speak my pain.  It's heart wrenching!  It's 2:51 am What!!!  Now that song?  Are you just inside my brain! This 21 song.

"I don't think it's going to happen anymore

You took my thoughts from me

Now I want nothing more.

And did you think you could just take it all away?

I don't think it's happ'ning, this is what I say.

Leave me alone, leave me alone.

Leave me alone 'cause I found it all.

Twenty one...twenty one..twenty one..."

Check the lyrics and song list  at www.letsingit.com of No need to argue Album by the Cranberries

Okay, I need to stop this now.  Is this some kind of coincidence?  Why is the playlist like this?  Is a higher being telling me I'm Free to Decide?

"It's not worth anything,

More than this at all.

I'll live as I choose, 

Or I will not live at all.

So return to where you come from,

Return to where you dwell.

...I'm free to decide,  I'm free to decide,

And I'm not suicidal after all".

This is getting creepier by the minute. It's 3 am anyway.  I need to put down this writing or I might just burst into tears. I missed singing  these songs so I put them on youtube on play all option.  Instead I just have a walk down the memory lane.  No, I am not ready yet.  I still don't want to stroll down those memories at this time.  Maybe next time, but not yet now. 

And before I ended the Youtube app, I finished my most favorite song by the Cranberries. Because this song was deeply etched to my image every time I belted it out every videoke night with my friends.

"In your head, in your head

Zombie!  Zombie

What's in your head? In your head.

Zombie. Zombie".

it's almost 4 am on a Sunday. Where does moving on comes in?  It's where excitement and dread decided to have a rendezvous in my mind.   After that memory blast,  I now feel like a zombie.  Good night everyone!

Top of the World!

     Sitting here alone while the band on stage is playing its second song.  It's late and it sure is tiring.  I wake up everyday at 4:30 am, do my daily hustle, eat daily my preferred silog variety, ride to work on a bus and sleeping while the traffic is making its monstrous appeal to morning shows. And I still come late. Now, more than 8-hour job without lunch almost everyday is not your idea of a life.  It is appalling how I managed to stay here for more than 11 years.  Maybe, because of the pay, because, generally, banks pay better than any other industry. I am working for the money.  Who isn't?

     Now, it is Friday today and I have to do something on Fridays to appease my soul for doing things that I don't really like.  I need a break from the kind of life I wasn't suppose to live. Here I am again, whining continuously for being a good person, for being a good daughter, for being someone who pay my taxes on time that these local officials corrupt. I need a life.  Please inject it to my vein!

     Suddenly, Patalim, the band I am following, is having a gig somewhere in Cavite.  And I rushed to get to the event, I even stood in a bus to get to the gig before it starts.   And now, I'm sitting alone while the band plays their second song yet I feel so at home.  I feel that this is what I really like all along. Musicians everywhere, creative juices are given for free.  The beat of the drums, the guitar riffs, the growl of the singers..the tapping sound of the bass guitars...fill my heart and mind like magic. It doesn't even matter if it's late, or if I am already tired from work.  This is where I am supposed to be.  Amidst the chaos in my mind, amidst the problems of my daily grind, they are now ancient to me, and it seems like I am in a different world and I am sitting on top of it.

     And then the night ended.  The gig was done.  I have to go home to get a proper sleep.  I will be berating myself again for not getting enough sleep. Because tomorrow, I have to get up again at 4.30 am, do my daily hustle, and repeat everything that I already said.  Minus the part where I come in late.  On better days, I beat the time and that  moment is a wow moment!!!

(Photo credits to Rakrakan Festival)