When Words aren't Enough

Once in a while, I write songs depending on the level of my brokenness. Haha!  And for documentation purposes I record them on my cellphone.  However, I published this song on Youtube because cellphones tend to get lost, broken, or wet.  Mine's got wet twice so the songs that could have been the next hit were lost forever.

The song Paulit ulit is of course, about my stupidity in love.  Falling in love with men who aren't available anymore is really wrong in so many levels.  I don't want to make excuses with my wrongdoings so I just wrote songs to slap me so hard in the face with the reality that doing so will only make me the one in the losing end.  However, this song needs a lot of tune up, editing and cropping.  This is so damn long.  When I find the time and inspiration (broken moment),  I will rewrite the lyrics.

So, listen to my song about falling in love without using the mind and how it will just make you lost and broken. When words aren't enough anymore, I let music take over.

5 Flavors of Perfect Crinkles for Your Home or Business

Photo by Yuna Delle Polintan

I learned baking through Youtube University, Google and through reading posts from various Facebook cooking pages. I baked and just baked to get the perfect stuff.  It still didn't make me the best but I got more patient along the way.  Whoever said baking could solve an attitude problem for me?  I was always impatient and that resulted in wrong choices in life. But that is a different story.  Today I am here to talk about how you can make crinkles in five different ways.  Whichever way you choose is definitely a winner. 

Crinkles are those cake-like cookies rolled in confectioner's sugar.  It is soft in the inside and its flavor and goodness peek from its cracks.  The recipes are proven and tested by one of the members of Cake Out Police (COP) Facebook Group that I joined, Ms. Elizabeth Solis.  She started with just one recipe of chocolate crinkles that is handed down to her by a fellow admin of the group. She enjoyed it very much that she decided to search for more crinkles recipe on the internet.  She continuously tried different flavors and suggested to us which ones work best. To date, she tried 20 ways to make crinkles.  She patiently tried each recipe before sharing them with us.  This helped some home bakers in our group to bake goodies that are at par with the commercial brands which are a big help to our home businesses.  Crinkles are a good addition to any dessert table because it is fast and easy to do.  You don't need superhero abilities to create these babies.   What you only need is patience, my dear, patience.

For additional baking hacks READ:  5 Tricks to Make the Perfect Chocolate Crinkle

Without further ado,  pick the best crinkles recipe for you.  

OREO CHOCOLATE CRINKLES
(Ingredients from Fit N Cookies)

Photo by Honey Simon

INGREDIENTS

1/2 cup unsalted butter

1 1/4 cup sugar

2 eggs

1 2/3 cups All-purpose flour

1/4 tsp salt

1 1/2 baking powder

1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 teaspoon vanilla

14-16 Oreos (I use only 12, but you can use more or less

Icing sugar (for coating)

PROCEDURE

1. Beat butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
2. Add in one egg at a time, until blended and add in vanilla.
3. Mix the flour, cocoa, baking powder, salt in the same bowl.
4. Crumbled up the Oreos and mix them with the rest of the ingredients.  I used a spatula to mix the Oreos.
5. Cover with plastic and chill for 4 hours or overnight.
6. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
7. Roll dough into 1 inch wide balls, then roll in icing sugar.
8. Bake in a preheated oven for  10-12 mins (mine was 10 mins, then leave the crinkles in the pan for 5-10 mins before transferring to the cooling rack).

MATCHA CRINKLES

INGREDIENTS

6 oz Chipits pure White Chocolate Chips

Photo by Elizabeth Solis

 (or use any brand that is available in your area)

1/4/ cup plus 2 tbs unsalted butter

1 tsp Vanilla extract

1/2 cup sugar

2 eggs (room temperature)

1 1/2 cup All Purpose Flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

1 tbsp matcha powder

1 cup icing/powdered sugar plus 2 tbs cornstarch (mix together)

PROCEDURE:

1. Melt butter and chocolate chips in a microwave oven or in a small saucepan.  Set over at low heat.  Stir until smooth then add vanilla.  Set aside.
2. Beat the sugar and eggs until thick and smooth.  Add the melted chocolate. Mix to combine.
3. Sift the flour, matcha powder, baking powder, and salt.  Mix until combined.  (What I do is I sift in the dry ingredients in a separate bowl then add them to the wet ingredients)
4. Cover with plastic and chill for 4 hours or overnight or until firm.
5. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
6. Roll the dough into 1 inch ball (1 tbs) then roll the balls in powdered sugar.
7. Bake in preheated oven for 10 to 12 minutes. Let it stand on the cookie sheet for 1 minute before transferring to cooling racks to cool.

LEMON CRINKLES

By Lauren's Latest

Photo by Brenda Mea

INGREDIENTS

1/2 butter softened ( i used margarine)    

1 cup sugar (I used less, 3/4 cup)
 1/2 tsp vanilla

1 large egg

2 tsp lemon zest    (or use more)

1 T fresh lemon juice

1/4 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp baking soda

1 1/2  cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup icing sugar with 1T cornstarch

PROCEDURE

1. Cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy
2. Whip in vanilla, egg, lemon zest and juice
3. Mix in all dry ingredients slowly until just combined.
4. Wrap in a plastic and chill for 4 hours.
5. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
6. Roll the dough into 1/2 Tbs ball and roll into powdered sugar
7. Bake in a preheated oven for 9-11 minutes.  Let it stand in the cookie sheet for 3 mins before transferring to cooling rack.

CHOCOLATE BANANA CRINKLES

Inspired by Choco-Nana Crinkles by Kitchen Kemistry

INGREDIENTS

BOWL 1

1 cup plus 2T All purpose flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/8 tsp salt

BOWL 2

3/4 Cup plus 2T sugar

1/4 cup corn oil 

1/2 cup cocoa powder

1/2 cup banana puree (I used mashed banana) or apple sauce

1 tsp vanilla extract

1 cup confectioner's sugar plus 2T cornstarch

PROCEDURE

1.  Put BOWL 2 ingredients in the mixer, mix at low speed for 5-7 minutes.
2. Sift and mix together the ingredients of BOWL 1.
3. Using a spatula, add BOWL 1 to BOWL 2 by 2 tablespoon at a time.  Do folding technique.  Do not over mix.  Mix until just when the dry ingredients disappear into the wet ingredients.
4. Cover with plastic and chill for 4 hours.
5. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
6. Roll dough into 1 inch wide balls, then roll in icing sugar.
7. Bake in the preheated oven for 15 minutes.
8. Remove from the oven and let stand in the pan for 4-4 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack.

UBE CRINKLES

INGREDIENTS

1 1/2 cup all purpose flour

1 tsp baking powder

1/4 teaspoon salt

1/2 cup unsalted butter

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup sugar

1 egg

1/2 cup ube jam/halaya (Mountain Maid Training Center)

1 tsp ube flavoring(Mc Cormick ube flavor)

1 cup powdered sugar

PROCEDURE

1.  Sift flour, baking powder, and salt in a separate bowl and set aside.
2. Cream together butter and sugar until light and fluffy.  
3. Beat in the egg.
4. Add in ube jam and ube flavoring then gradually add the dry ingredients to the butter and sugar mix.
5. Cover the bowl with cling wrap and chill for 4 hours or overnight.
6. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C)
7. Using a 25 oz (1 1/2 teaspoon) ice cream scoop, roll the cookie dough into balls and coat with powder sugar.
8. Bake  7 minutes or until done.  Let it stand on the cookie sheet for 1 minute before transferring to cooling racks to cool

These crinkles will surely be a hit at your table.  Kids and kids at heart will love them.  One advice though, bake your cookies immediately as soon as you roll the dough and roll it into confectioner's sugar.  The colder your dough, the less it will spread into the pan and the more you will get defined cracks in your cookies.  Don't let the cookies with powdered sugar sit out for long.  The cookies will only absorb the sugar and make it sweeter that they are supposed to.

(Read here if you want the traditional recipe for Chocolate Crinkles)

Having said that, I am now craving for coffee because anything that is sweet and baked is the perfect match for a steaming hot, brewed coffee.  I will try to have crinkles series by Ms. Elizabeth Solis so stay tuned for more.  And if it doesn't hurt you a bit, please follow me on Instagram:  iam.theladyboss.

So what are you all waiting for?  Let's bake!!!

Credits to the original owners of the Recipes.

10 Signs You are a Horrible Wife from Hell (or Girlfriend too)

   

     If we love someone, we tend to overlook their flaws.  That is why it's called love. You love them even with their mistakes and shortcomings.  But what if you're too much to handle and you've gone overboard with your idiosyncrasies? 

     Generally, people tend to cast their doubts on men about how they treat their wives or girlfriends. Men have been stereotyped as the cause of pain of so many women, disregarding the fact that women also contribute to the factors why men behave the way they do.  Some women are really impossible to deal and live with so we should not readily put the blame on men who are just clueless why women behave irrational at times. Now ask yourself, do you have the signs of a horrible wife or girlfriend from hell?

1. NAGS TOO MUCH- In some serious cases, women nag too much because they really want to be in control not only of the situation but also of their men. They see men as someone who cannot be trusted, either with chores or truth.  A nagger has always something to say to irate her man and create issues that aren't actually there.  This is just to let her man feel that he is not capable of doing things and must immediately change for them to have a good relationship.  A nagger  just doesn't know when to stop and she doesn't care whether her man is already on the verge of exploding.
2. MANIPULATIVE-  There is a fine line between influencing and being manipulative. Some women tend to act kind and nice in front of their men but will actually devise plans to get what they want.  A manipulative woman wants her man to withdraw from his families and friends.  So every time he has a boys' night out or family gatherings, she  will let him go but at the last minute, she will find some excuses why he can't go anymore, like, she is not feeling well and he needs to stay by her side, or has an emergency, etc. She may say everything is okay but in reality, her head is shouting profanities. She  will get her man's trust but create situations that will look like she is a victim of the situations that he created and thus , she needed saving all the time. So her man, who thought he was giving  her a hard time, will submit to her demands.   A manipulative woman also has a tendency to lie.  She does this easily with out any feeling of regret.  (Read here The Signs of a Manipulative Wife)
3. SHE MAKES HER MAN FEEL INFERIOR-A woman who belittles her man has some serious personal issues. It shouldn't matter whether she fares better than him. Sometimes, the one who does this stunt is the insecure type who needs to insult her man in front of many people. This it to show to the people that she can control him and she has the upper hand in their relationship.  It also doesn't matter whether he is doing his best to have a healthy relationship. It won't matter anyway because she always finds fault in everything he does. What's worse, she feels good while doing it. (Read here Signs of Inferiority Complex)
4. COMPLAINS ALL THE TIME- Same as nagging, a complainer complains about anything that they don't like. If it doesn't suit her taste, she whines.  She always finds mistake in everything: weather, her health, the traffic, the food, the dog next door, the parking lot at the mall etc.  She does this constantly and she won't shut up! 
   
5. SHE DOESN'T ADMIT HER MISTAKES- An immature woman who cannot take responsibility of her actions always put the blame to someone else.  She always let her man takes the blame and insists on it.  It is easier for her to blame someone than admit to herself that she was wrong and not good enough.  Why?  Because blaming him to share the guilt is easier than working out her shortcomings. (Read here When you are blamed for everything by your spouse.)
6. RUDE AND DISRESPECTFUL-  A man who is seriously in love would want his woman to meet his family or friends.  But a rude woman will take it as a joke and not even consider how he feels for his family.   Rude as she is, she won't greet them properly or have a pleasant conversation with them.  Rude wives also offend anyone.  She is always like a raging bull ready to fight head on whoever gets in her way.  He, on the other hand, always finds himself asking for apologies for her attitude.  The worst part is that he is always the easy target of her uncanny, irrational, rude behavior.  (Read here How to deal with an impolite spouse.)
7. SO DAMN LAZY- A horrible wife is a lazy wife.  Household and the kids should be the first in her list of her priorities.  It doesn't necessarily mean she herself needs to get down on her knees to do the menial stuff.  She at least needs to be the one in charge of managing the household. It is understandable if she has lots of things on her hands but what if she just spends the day doing nothing?  Also, depending too much on your man to do everything for you is so old school.
8. DRAMA QUEEN- A drama queen is someone who habitually takes everything in a melodramatic way.  She always exaggerates and always feels the world revolve around her and that the world owes her something.   If your man paid for a subscription of your endless drama, then go ahead, make a full length drama reality show.  See if your man will quietly take your crap every time. ( Read here 15 Signs of a Drama Queen.)
   
9. SHE GOSSIPS AND SPREAD RUMORS- Women are light talkers and they love to tell everything to their friends. It is fine as long as it isn't causing any harm to anyone.  But if you're constantly having these conversations with your friends to spread rumors that aren't confirmed as true is a sign that you're a gossip girl.  It is not a good trait and it can cause damage to other people.  Yes it is not proper for anyone to say a lot of bad things to others just so  you can have fun with your friends.
   
10. DOES NOT SUPPORT YOUR DECISIONS-A good wife or girlfriend is someone who may not always understand you but will always support you. A wife who is unsupported of her man on the other hand, will make her man feel that he isn't loved and respected. He may also feel that he is unappreciated and alone if his decisions are always challenged.  A bad wife is someone who takes everything personally and brushes off her man's call for support on a whim. 

These are just some of the signs that some of us might already have.  But if you have more than half of it, then you better need to work on those bad attitude and habits to save your relationship.  These things can be eliminated if you and your man will take time to solve your problems and talk everything out.  No problem is that big if the two of you support each other. And lastly, if love is bigger than your problems, then it will be easier for you to change those ugly signs and say goodbye to being a horrible wife.

Follow me on Instagram:  Iam.theladyboss

The Cranberries Songs and the Part Called Moving On

The song of my fave band since college, the Cranberries, is on Youtube just singing the words that I am trying to forget.

"But I miss you when you're gone.  That is what I do. And it's hard to carry on, that is what I do. Baby." 

All the memories just came rushing back to me and I couldn't stop them all.  Emotions are overflowing like waters from the murky river of my heart.  I hate this shit!

It's 2:31 am on a Sunday morning.  I was supposed to be sleeping by now.  I managed to block your memories and face for more than a week now and I successfully controlled the urge to check on your old messages like I always do.  Imagine, every time I miss you, I checked your messages from more than 6 months ago.  Reliving the moments when we still were so concerned with each other.  But heck!!!  I don't do that anymore.

I really thought I can get through this easily without a glitch from my programmed brain.  I program it to completely ignore memories of you.  But what the hell! One mere song tore down the protective shell I built for so long since the time I felt you broke loose from my grasp.  Just one song!

Oh no, is it me faltering?  Here's the second song still by the Cranberries, Just my Imagination.  I might just have a very wild imagination.  How about I just imagine dragons burning this unrequited love in my heart?  Oh please save me!!!

Now you're playing Ridiculous Thoughts.  The words may be simple but it's thought wrenching.

" Twister, oh, I shouldn't have trusted you.

But you're gonna have to hold on. 

But you're gonna have to hold on.

Or we're gonna have to move on, move on, move on.

I feel alright and I cried so hard. 

The ridiculous thoughts oh

I should have lied but you're gonna have to hold on!"

What is wrong with you Youtube!!!  Why do you speak my pain.  It's heart wrenching!  It's 2:51 am What!!!  Now that song?  Are you just inside my brain! This 21 song.

"I don't think it's going to happen anymore

You took my thoughts from me

Now I want nothing more.

And did you think you could just take it all away?

I don't think it's happ'ning, this is what I say.

Leave me alone, leave me alone.

Leave me alone 'cause I found it all.

Twenty one...twenty one..twenty one..."

Check the lyrics and song list  at www.letsingit.com of No need to argue Album by the Cranberries

Okay, I need to stop this now.  Is this some kind of coincidence?  Why is the playlist like this?  Is a higher being telling me I'm Free to Decide?

"It's not worth anything,

More than this at all.

I'll live as I choose, 

Or I will not live at all.

So return to where you come from,

Return to where you dwell.

...I'm free to decide,  I'm free to decide,

And I'm not suicidal after all".

This is getting creepier by the minute. It's 3 am anyway.  I need to put down this writing or I might just burst into tears. I missed singing  these songs so I put them on youtube on play all option.  Instead I just have a walk down the memory lane.  No, I am not ready yet.  I still don't want to stroll down those memories at this time.  Maybe next time, but not yet now. 

And before I ended the Youtube app, I finished my most favorite song by the Cranberries. Because this song was deeply etched to my image every time I belted it out every videoke night with my friends.

"In your head, in your head

Zombie!  Zombie

What's in your head? In your head.

Zombie. Zombie".

it's almost 4 am on a Sunday. Where does moving on comes in?  It's where excitement and dread decided to have a rendezvous in my mind.   After that memory blast,  I now feel like a zombie.  Good night everyone!

9 Things Independent Women Do

" Coz she move like a boss, do what a boss. Do she got me thinkin' about getting involved. That's the kinda girl I need".

-Ms. Independent by Neyo-

     Being an independent woman has many faces.  Why so?  Because a woman who can do her thing has no prototype.  She has so many things rolled up her sleeves. She can be your boss at work and also the  woman who washes your dishes at home.  She can be that champion of  a worker who fight  a cause for the many, or the woman who also loves to stay home and just read.  Being an independent woman is not a state of being.  It is a state of mind. 

     An independent woman is someone who controls her life.  She is not someone you can push your bull shit down her throat.  She can take care of herself, you and so many priorities in life.  So have you already met one? Know their qualities:

1.  CONFIDENT-  A confident woman is someone who is self-assured.  She is comfortable with her own skin.  She doesn't get insecure with gorgeous women or put down people to make her feel better.  She knows herself well and will not let anyone tell her otherwise.  She loves herself including her imperfections. Because of this confidence, whatever she looks like,  she projects a positive aura that draws people to her. 
2. DOESN'T SETTLE-  If the one she is having, may it be food, company of people, or books she is reading, there is one thing she does.  She has standards.  She knows her worth and she doesn't settle. She may compromise sometimes to get the bigger fish but if it doesn't suit her expectations, do not expect her to silently suffer with what you have to offer.  Because honestly, if she is capable of getting what she wants, why would she settle for less?
3. SHE IS FINANCIALLY INDEPENDENT- What an independent woman needs from anyone is not money.  She needs loyalty, friendship and love. A partner and a relationship. For her, a man is not an financial plan.  Things that money can't buy.  She can afford herself.  She is self-reliant and can live with or without a man to support her.
4. SHE MAKES DECISIONS-A strong independent woman is decisive of her actions.  She knows what she wants and acts on it.  Although sometimes women are easily swayed by changing emotions, a highly independent one does it better.  She doesn't let her emotions the deciding factor of her choices in life.
5. SHE DOESN'T PUT HERSELF DOWN-Trust me, we all have our down moment, but a strong woman knows it is time to lift her chin, face her fears and move up if insecurity is already slowly seeping to her system. No, she cannot allow it to happen.  Because once it does, it will be the bane of her existence.  
6. SHE DOESN'T COMPETE FOR ATTENTION- Women are known for the endless dramas in real life.  Some women needed that attention as an assurance that they are important to others.  But independent women need nothing of that.  They just work their asses off, live a decent life, create something beautiful, live confidently on their own and do their things quietly.  They do not boast their achievements.  They do not hover over the limelight because independent women are the ones emitting lights.
7. COMFORTABLE BEING ALONE- The very thought of being alone scares many women.  But strong ones love the idea of doing things on their own, alone but not entirely lonely. Some people believe that independent women are those who hate men and do not need them to complete their lives.  No, it is not that.  It only means that even without men, they can function well in the society without the need to continuously support their emotional system.  But of course independent  women love the company of men (or woman for that matter).  They do not just rest their whole lives on them. They have their own career, their lives in shape, and are investing on themselves for their own self growth.
8. SHE KNOWS HOW TO SAY NO-  Sometimes we are compelled to do requests if they are from the people we care about most.  Then we juggle the million things that we need to do just because we can't say no.  Saying yes all the time is tied to insecurity and low self esteem. While saying No has been closely linked to self confidence.   Independent woman has the ability to say NO.  If it conflicts her interests and values in life, then she won't  do it.   
9. SHE KNOWS HOW TO HOLD HER HEAD HIGH.  A strong woman will automatically stop trying if she feels unwanted.  She will, at some point try to fix things but she will not beg.  She will just walk away. And if she already did, there will be no turning back.  

        Independent women are now creating bigger industries in the world.  The idea of women as soft, weak, emotionally deranged are now becoming obsolete. The amazing thing about being an independent women is that they find their own happiness inside of them. They create things for them to be thankful everyday.  They don't dwell on negatives, or blame others for the bad things happening around them.  What's more, they act like a lady, work like a man, and think like a boss.  And if people we meet are like them, oh what a beautiful life it is!  

    Are you that strong, independent woman with those qualities?  If not, then learn these simple things by heart and be that strong independent woman this world needs.

My Last Love Letter to You (Prologue to Moving on)

Dear you,

Yes you.  I'd like to tell you now how I miss you.  How I miss our late night talks, our childish plays, our time shared together talking about everything and nothing in particular.  You can only imagine how I always play in my mind the love  you made me feel, the beautiful things that you made for me, the words that sounded so genuine and sweet in my ear. That in spite of the hard circumstances we both have, I always had the reason to love you more.

I wanted something just like this:  you and me walking in the rain because we failed to bring our umbrella and you would wrap your arms around my head protecting me from the rain.  Or  hearing you laugh coz you thought it was funny why I was so afraid of the sound of the rain falling on the roof of the house.  Or when you call at the end of the day and just fell asleep while talking to me.  And then I would only hear  the sound of your slow breathing and I would smile to myself coz you already fell asleep.  That was the tenderness that I longed for sometimes.  It felt so special that we shared this kind of bond. When time just stood still and  everything around us just disappeared.  It was just you and me that only mattered. We were in a trance-like state most of the time.

Then everything changed.  Gone are the late night talks, the regular text just to check on each other. You used to be so concerned about me, now we act like strangers. Every time I looked for you, you just left me with no explanation at all. Every time I brought up the issue, you were just defensive with your answers. You let days passed by without asking about us. Days turned into weeks, weeks into months. We grew apart just like that. We no longer talk to each other like we used to. It pains to see how our love just went away.  What were you hiding? If you fell out of love at least give me the decency to know that you had a change of heart.

Still I waited for you patiently. It really broke my heart but I never gave up on you. On us. We promised to be true to each other yet you couldn't even look me in the eye and tell me what was wrong. What was worse, you couldn't bear to be with me so you did everything to avoid us being together. You wouldn’t even let me know if I did something you didn’t like.  I was waiting for you to tell me how your day was, or how was life treating you. But you just stopped telling me things about you. So you built a wall between us that I didn't know how to break or get through just so I'd know what was on your mind. You just stopped caring.  I didn't know if I should wait a little more or leave you because what if you were having problems on your own? What if you looked for me and won't find me there? It would break my heart knowing your heart was also broken.

There are so many questions in my mind that I'd like to ask but I don't have the guts to do so because I might not be able to handle the truth. In my heart I knew the answer but I still couldn't accept the fact that it wasn't like before. That you already changed and it wasn't like it used to. That I was the only one fighting to make it still work. And if I gather enough courage to ask you I might not let you go. I might make a fool of myself and I never  want it to end like that. Call it pride or what but to me, it's self preservation.

It's hard turning my back from you but it is even harder waiting for you to be what you used to. I am on the verge of the cliff and I couldn't jump or save myself  because the one pushing me to the edge is you.  I already knew deep in my heart what I always knew: You had a change of heart but you didn't have the courage to tell me. And I was left hanging in the middle of frustration and hope. I was waiting for you to reach out for me.  But you weren’t there anymore. I waited enough for you. Enough to lose myself in the process. Enough to hide from the people who mattered to me just to fight for someone I knew I already lost.  I am lost. But I will find myself again.

Oh yes I do miss you. But I will not run after you. For all I know you might be missing me too. You might really love me too. But what are you doing to make me stay? I don't want to be misled by a false hope that you need me too. I get so teary eyed just thinking of you but I will not hold on to this feeling anymore. I will let you go like I let myself go when I fell in love with you. I will let you go knowing I might get my old self back. I know I lost you but you also lost me. I used to be so afraid that I might not be able to carry on without you. But even with you I've been alone all along. I was in the relationship by myself. And it took me so long to finally realize it.

So however this hurts me, I want to stop now. Yes, I can finally say it's over.  As I write this last love letter for you I will end the last chapter of our story. Yes I am ready. I will no longer rerun the memories of us in my mind. I will no longer entertain the feeling of sadness I felt because we grew apart. I will no longer long for the tenderness you had for me. I will just stop and thank you.  Thank you because one way or another you really made me feel loved and happy. No one can take that away from me. And I will forgive myself for being this broken. I will try to forget how this left a hole in my heart. I will try so hard and I will not falter.  So when the time comes someone walks into my life, I will be completely healed and whole and ready to love again.

P.S.

I want my old sweater back!!!

Stop Comparing Your Life and Move Up!

 

Ok, if I were to become a lady boss by my own right, then I need to push down that insecurity down the drain.  I have never been insecure in my life until recently when health made me paranoid at all times.  Too much stress and thinking unimportant things created a havoc in my life.  I never knew that I could be this low.  I started thinking less of myself and saw others’ success as a story in a book, a fantasy, something that I could never be.  

I am not the jealous type.  I don’t turn green with envy. But the more successful friends I see, the more I feel small. I don’t hate them or envy them.  Never.  I actually am happy for them. And why the hell not? They are my friends.  But the ugly part, I gauge what I did with what they did. Little did I know that I am already comparing what they did to mine.  And this is bad.  So bad because I know in my heart that we all have the same goal in mind:  to be successful.  But what differs us from one another is the what and which roads we are taking to get there.  Some have reached a point of success they already envisioned for themselves.  Some, still in the journey.  Some, in standstill of their lives and still contemplating what else to do.  And some like me, started out strong, but road blocks and hills were on the way.  So we were stalled.  I am stalled.  I am in that point where I question myself what happened to me.  What should I do?  Should I stay?  Should I go or head back to where I started from and start from scratch?

The problem with stopping on the road is time.  How long should I stop here?  I am wasting precious time, right?  I should be already doing this and that!!!  But we should remember this:  We hold the time of our lives and I have decided that I also have time for everything.  I have time to be confused, to be down, to feel low, and to mourn about it.  It is my right to feel bad about myself, pause, contemplate and decide what to do.  Oh yes I am in the point of my life where I don’t really know what to do because of too much happenings  in my life made me what I am now.  Give me time to heal and to stand back again.  So like everyone else who gathered enough strength after a downfall, remember this:  No one should take away this time of healing for yourself to be able to fight back to life again.  

It also doesn't help if you continuously think what others can do compared to you. It's like being in a company where ten of you do the same thing. But the actual amount of passion, of time, of a piece of your life that is given to that same job makes a big difference. How you value what you do and how you create a piece of work makes all the difference. We are all unique in every way. Do not let the fear of being just one of the many stops you from doing what you really like.

Now, I have decided to continue writing the chapters of my book of success.  I have spent too much time lagging behind that I forgot how I wanted my life to be.  Yes, the goal is the same but I will take a high road.  I don’t regret stopping for so long because during this slow process, I have learned more about myself.  I really thought after being separated from my ex husband was the worst in my life but I realized it was nothing compared to what I have gone through this past few years.  My battle is with myself, my principles in life. Now that I have risen from the dead I know life can throw its dirtiest crap on me, take a beating, and still come up strong. But of course it would be much easier if along the way friends and families will be there to support you.  But if you don’t get the support you need, then woman up, chin up and hold your crown!

And yes, I want to be a Lady Boss.  So you ladies out there who can’t start writing the chapters of your life, fret not.  It is not an easy task.  Don’t undermine yourself by comparing yourself with others.  Your life is different from anyone else.  Live it according to your rules.  No one is stopping you.  No one can stop you.  So hats off to all who have decided to be the queen of this crazy world.

Top of the World!

     Sitting here alone while the band on stage is playing its second song.  It's late and it sure is tiring.  I wake up everyday at 4:30 am, do my daily hustle, eat daily my preferred silog variety, ride to work on a bus and sleeping while the traffic is making its monstrous appeal to morning shows. And I still come late. Now, more than 8-hour job without lunch almost everyday is not your idea of a life.  It is appalling how I managed to stay here for more than 11 years.  Maybe, because of the pay, because, generally, banks pay better than any other industry. I am working for the money.  Who isn't?

     Now, it is Friday today and I have to do something on Fridays to appease my soul for doing things that I don't really like.  I need a break from the kind of life I wasn't suppose to live. Here I am again, whining continuously for being a good person, for being a good daughter, for being someone who pay my taxes on time that these local officials corrupt. I need a life.  Please inject it to my vein!

     Suddenly, Patalim, the band I am following, is having a gig somewhere in Cavite.  And I rushed to get to the event, I even stood in a bus to get to the gig before it starts.   And now, I'm sitting alone while the band plays their second song yet I feel so at home.  I feel that this is what I really like all along. Musicians everywhere, creative juices are given for free.  The beat of the drums, the guitar riffs, the growl of the singers..the tapping sound of the bass guitars...fill my heart and mind like magic. It doesn't even matter if it's late, or if I am already tired from work.  This is where I am supposed to be.  Amidst the chaos in my mind, amidst the problems of my daily grind, they are now ancient to me, and it seems like I am in a different world and I am sitting on top of it.

     And then the night ended.  The gig was done.  I have to go home to get a proper sleep.  I will be berating myself again for not getting enough sleep. Because tomorrow, I have to get up again at 4.30 am, do my daily hustle, and repeat everything that I already said.  Minus the part where I come in late.  On better days, I beat the time and that  moment is a wow moment!!!

(Photo credits to Rakrakan Festival)